Your Love Is YOUR Love!

   A sloppy drunk person may have given me the BEST love advice any one has EVER given me that wasn’t written in a book or typed on a web page! I’ll call her Curly (i’m not being very creative here…her hair is curly) and after a few drinks I guess I lucked up and became that one phone call she would regret the next day.

   Somehow, after a conversation about how her ex was a hoe and what happens to cardboard boxes after we’ve thrown them away, we ended up on the subject of D and I. Fast forward, I decided a drunk person who wouldnt remember a thing I said the next day would be the perfect person to vent to. Little did I know, that drunk person who wouldn’t remember a thing I said that night, would say something that I would remeber for the rest of my natural born life!

    I proceeded to tell her how I expected D to act a certain way if she loved me. I must have gone a good thirty minutes complaining about the things I thought D should be doing to express her love for me. Curly let me talk….and then she said (slurred) this:

     “You know what…..you’ll NEVER be satisfied because you’ll never find someone who loves you like YOU. The sooner you realize that your love is YOUR love, the better you will be. The way we love is like a fingerprint….no one else is going to be able to exactly replicate that. so dont expect [your mate] to. Pay attention, and find out how [your mate] loves. Find out what he/she does when they’re trying to be sweet, when they’re being protective, when they’re being needy and just want your time. The things they do may be totally different from what you do. And you’re thinking she’s not putting in any effort because she doesn’t do what YOU want her to do….but she’s doing what she can….what she knows how. Appreciate HER love, the way she gives it…and as long as it isn’t disrespectful….enjoy it for what it is: HER love….and you’ll be much happier.”

    That actually made PERFECT sense! D is very different from me! Her greatest expression of love is letting me drink after her or letting me put my feet (she hates feet) anywhere near her. But these are things I dont pay attention to because those are things that dont mean much to me or my idea of love.

     This got me thinking: How much about D have I not noticed? How much about our mates have we as women not noticed just because we didn’t realize it was love because it wasn’t OUR idea of love? What have we given up on?

  Think about that……

Let’s Catch Up!

Okay, so I KNOW it’s been an awfully long time and I REALLY DO apologize, but school has been kicking my (rather nice) ass!!! But i’m here now lovelies and that’s ALL that matters! Let’s catch up!

Okay, since we last talked:
– I FAILED at the 30 day love cleanse. Two days later D texted me and we got back together. Did any one else fail? Any success?
– D and I had a dramatic break-up
– D and I have been harboring a weird non-relationship relationship thing. Great sex, we act like we’re together, just no title. More on that later, im sure.
– i’m pregnant!!!…….okay, no i’m not. I just wanted to make sure you were listening.

So STAY TUNED ladies! and even gentlemen……I have a slight feeling things are about to get quite interesting here on L and L!

sorry for the drought!

Sorry for the absence you guys! I’m preparing for my upcoming school year! Please be patient with me….i’ll be back with more posts soon : )

The 30 day love cleanse

  

   After some earth-shattering occurrences involving D (I won’t get into all that) I decided enough was enough! I was tired of love failing for me! I was tired of rushing heart first into relationship after relationship only to have my heart thrown into the dirt and stepped on! I was officially sick of being the victim!!!
   So after some searching around on the net (since therapists are too expensive) I came across an article about a cleanse created by Mastin Kipp ( @TheDailyLove). It’s called the 30 day love cleanse.
   I read over the rules and they seemed pretty simple.
                           1. No dating
                           2. No sex
                           3. No flirting
                           4. No contact verbally or physically with any exes you have drama with or people you’re trying to break away from
                          5. Journal your experiences
     I’ve just started my cleanse literally an hour ago and already I’m realizing that I have a major problem! Without these things in my life, I find it hard to imagine what else is left of my life! I’ve been in serious relationships since I was 14 years old! And the short period when I did give up on relationships was filled with nothing more than no strings attached sex! I’m realizing I have NO idea who the hell I am or what the hell I want! It’s truly time I date….ME!

    So here it goes:

      I, Skit Carter, do hereby swear OFF of love for the next 30 days! I promise to explore ME, get to know ME, enjoy ME, and lastly, fall deeply in love with ME! I will not talk to D, I will limit contact with Blue to nothing more than a friendly banter. I will instruct V to keep our friendship at a comfortable level, and I will keep my number to myself and learn how to just smile and wave good bye when someone is making a pass at me in the parking lot of a QT gas station. I will not have sex of any kind for the next 30 days, but since this cleanse is about exploring me, im guessing masturbation is okay. I will not flirt or make myself seemingly available. And I will do all my journals of my experiences as blog posts….

     Wow….that felt good!

    So what do you say ladies? Are any of you in need of a little love cleanse yourself? Are you guys starting a cleanse? or do you think its a terribly stupid idea? I want your feedback!

Female-friendly porn?

  

  Okay…so i’m about to tell you guys some very personal things about me in this post. But I dont mind…it just means we’re getting to know one another a bit better.

   Okay, here’s my secret: I HATE female-friendly porn!!!
  

     Ladies, i’m sorry. But porn is either nasty and dirty or its just better left on the shelves. I LOVE porn and have no hang-ups about doing so. But it irks me to see a “female-friendly” category! Whose to say that the rest of the site wasn’t friendly enough to me???

   To further fuel my hatred, I went exploring in the female-friendly category of porn-hub, one of my favorite free porn sites. The section was filled with bunches of videos with LONG foreplay scenes and overly-chiseled guys having sex with a bunch of jane-everywomen (not extremely pretty so as to not bruise the ego of the sensitive female viewer) in almost romantic ways.

   Porn is porn! Do we REALLY have to make it girly??? Are our insecurities when it comes to sex running so deep that we dont even want to SEE the sex acts we wish we could perform but are too afraid to ask our mates for!? How is it that even in the unihibited world of sex and porn do we find a way to once again inhibit ourselves!?

   The flicks were all based upon the same premise: in some shape form or fashion, a hunky guy in an unexplainably half-unbuttoned shirt and tight jeans (enough to see the outline of his well-sized- but not too well-sized- manhood) ends up at the door. He’s a cop, he’s a pizza guy, he’s the mail man, he’s the next door neighbor, he’s the cable guy. It’s always some guy women can trust and it’s always some guy the average housewife could truly come into contact with at least two times during a normal week. They end up having sex everywhere but the bed. No fancy-pants tricks, no untraditional positions- its missionary, a caressing doggy-style type thing, maybe a little riding (but not too rough)…you know, the safe stuff. And then the woman has an orgasm (long before the man) and his orgasm is sort of forgotten and never mentioned (because apparently women either dont like sperm or connect it to the idea of getting pregnant). My GOD that’s boring.

    I find nothing wrong with the idea of accepting your sick twisted mind and rolling with it. As long as no laws are broken and no one is hurt, it’s perfectly fine for a woman to like movies where the woman is treated like nothing more than a sex toy. It’s okay for women to like force-fantasies and big penises. It’s okay to not have to have a storyline to enjoy the fact that two individuals (for whatever reason it may be) are on your computer screen having sex. And if you DO need a story, it’s okay to like the twisted ones (i.e. “girl sleeps with stepbrother….and stepfather”)

   Again, I say: Porn is porn. It’s all our fantasies come to life! Im almost positive every woman on earth is not fantasizing about soft-core sex with a guy that looks like a pedofile that hangs around a skating rink. So avoid the female friendly area of porn, please ladies…..and if the female-friendly area is your kind of place….maybe you shouldnt be online watching porn….cinemax has movies just for you that come on around 1 am or so….at least in those all the genitals are well hidden.

Sacrificing too much

                                                

   Since I last posted, D and I have agreed to start dating again and we’re in the midst of taking things “slow”, whatever that means. So when I woke up this morning, after I threw up (im suffering from food poisoning) and called her to wake her so she could get ready for work, I took a look at the date on the calendar icon of my IPhone. Today is the 27th!

    I text her while she was just settling in at her job “it’s the 27th” I said

   I was expecting a “Happy Anniversary!” text, a “How could I forget?”, a smiley face. ANYTHING! But instead, i received an “Ik”…her quick way of saying “I know”. There was no Happy Anniversary, no sweet comments, and there damn sure wasn’t a smiley face in sight.

   It’s only our 7 month anniversary so i’m not sure what I expected. Usually, im not a stickler for anniversaries. At the 6 month mark I begin thinking we may go the distance so I MAY plan something romantic, but the big deal romance stuff doesn’t happen until the one year mark. I KNOW I didn’t expect a gift. It would have been silly to think there would be one of those after everything we’ve been through and considering the small amount of time we’ve been together.

    I guess I just expected for her to be as excited as I was about another month.

   Often times when I bring up how emotionless she is, she retorts by saying that not everybody is like me. She has her own way of showing affection just like I do. So I put up with the affection-free days and the lackluster emotions out of respect for her way of doing things. But respecting her way is one thing…..I dont HAVE to put up with it!

   By my age, girls pretty much know what they want in a mate. I’ve decided a long time ago that affection is important to me. Not only affection, but feeling like Im an important part of my mate’s world. Compromise is one thing, but COMPLETELY giving up something I know I truly want is called a sacrifice. And I dont think this relationship has been worth the sacrifice of one of my biggest desires in a relationship: affection.

    So I finally put on my big girl panties and realized that there will never be a day when D wakes me up with breakfast in bed because that’s not her style. There will never be a time she will surprise the hell out of me by doing something utterly romantic because again: that’s not her type of thing. She will always be herself, and I should never set out to change that because that’s doing nothing but setting out for failure. But I shouldn’t settle either. Because there will never be a day that I wont want to be woken up one day to breakfast in bed and there will never be a day where I wont dream of some utterly romantic thing happening to me. Because I will always be myself and I shouldn’t let anything or anyone change that.

   After I realized this, I sent her a “Happy Anniversary” text (the same one I had been wanting), took some pepto bismol and went back to sleep. Sometimes sacrifices are too big to make. Sacrificing the love i’ve always wanted for the love I didnt even know I could tolerate may be too big for me…

Quiznos: a safe place for sex talk

Being that I’m now a junior in college, I figured it was time to seriously buckle down on getting a start on my career. So after calling around and kissing a few asses, I landed an internship at a major TV station located in Downtown Atlanta. They were impressed with my communications major and my double concentration in PR and Broadcast, I was impressed with the free coffee in the break room and the studio’s location.
   The city has always been my big playground! Every morning I wake up and get gussied up and make the twenty five minute drive (35 in traffic…which is almost always there) to my building on Peachtree street. From the moment I exit the car, I’m Carrie Bradshaw (my new found idol), running around in cute clothes in my own little version of New York. Going to Under Ground and browsing the little clothing shops as if they’re Saks fifth ave. The PERFECT addition to my Sex and The City fantasy ( which I think I may need professional help for) came in the form of my fellow interns. All females, differing in interests and styles, and eager to get out of the office for lunch and have girl-talk over over-priced food. That’s where quiznos came in.
   The walk to quiznos was as eventful as a walk ANYWHERE in Atlanta can be! We walked past the train station, and the strip of food shops circling Underground Atlanta, and spotted the quiznos perched on a corner. We ordered our food, sat down, and began to talk.
Immediately, we were talking about sex.
   Men would be pleasantly surprised at how eager and open my generation has been about sex. Here we were, with a friendship that was only about an office-day old, and we were already exchanging tips on how to perform in bed.

    Erin* takes a sip of her smart water and says “I feel bad because every time my boyfriend asks me to ride him, I dont know what im doing”

    we’re all confused “What do you mean? ”

     Jezelle* chimes in ” All you do is hop around on it for a while. That always seems to work for me”

   “And that’s what I do” Erin insists “But I always feel like he’s looking for more. like im not doing it right.”

   I say “it’s not enough to just ride him. You have to control yourself while controlling him. There’s different angles to hit and ways you can squeeze him at just the right time.”

    The table turns to me as if they all have taken out their mental pens and paper to take notes.

     We spend our entire lunch hour talking about our favorite sex acts (doggie style, being tied up) and our least favorite (anal, and being ejaculated on) and of course we warrant a few glances from people who just happen to pass our table and hear a slice of our conversation, to which we laugh at and keep talking.

    Cleo* asks “Have you ever coughed while he was still in you?”

    we all turn to her “No! Why?”

    She instructs us to cough, which we all do, which gets us another sideways glance from a few patrons at the tables surrounding us. I imagine we all feel our muscles contracting at the same time, because our eyes all become wide with realization.

    I’m convinced that no one dating an open-minded 20-something woman right now can be having bad sex. my lunch at quiznos proves it: we love sex, we love talking about it,and we love trying new things. I can guaruntee you that at least TWO of us went home that night and coughed while having sex….

Perfect vs. Problematic.

    There’s a guy i’ll call Blue that I’ve been knowing for quite some time now. Since ive met him i’ve had a boyfriend and a girlfriend and he still wont budge, not that I want him to. He’s what most women would call perfect: he has a good job (he’s a cop), a nice car, looks good, a body made by Milk (mmm), nice smile, respectful, opens doors, kisses like a movie scene, my family loves him, he says all the right things (he actually told me that nothing and no one would keep him from loving me…wow), and he’s smart as a text book! My god, he’s perfect.

   Then there’s D. She’s beautiful, has a body most men lust after and most women wish they had, pretty smile, but a bad attitude. She can be sweet when she wants to be but hardly ever wants to be, breaks my back in the bedroom, but breaks my heart outside of it. She knows just what to say to get under my skin, and reminds me by doing so. D is- in a nutshell- problematic.

    When i’m with Blue I feel a rumble in the ground. When im with D my whole entire world explodes! WHY IS THAT?! Why is it that mister perfect gives me some insignificant feeling of temporary happiness and D is like the equivalent of being connected to an IV drip of feelings 24/7! Why is Ms. Problematic winning over Mr. Perfect???

    I tried to imagine it was because the sex was better but all in all i’d suffer through years of mediocre sex just to get the kind of love ive always wanted. Sex is something you can easily teach. How not to be an asshole, is not. Then I thought that it was because I spend more time with D since we go to the same school and basically lived with one another last semester, however, I had known Blue almost a full year by the time D was even a thought, so he’s even got her on time. I simply do not know why she wins! I can not, for the life of me, figure out why i’d rather be with D than Blue any day.

    I blame Romance novels and movies. Ask any average romance novelist the formula for their story, it’s usually: boy meets girl, girl meets girl, or boy meets boy (hey, I’m in no place to judge) they fall in love, only to be met with a big problem to overcome. Either girl or boy makes a sacrifice to overcome that problem (i.e. cancels his wedding to be with you in the style of the wedding planner) and the pair lives happily every after and thats why we read and watch, for the great story that makes. Bottom line: I dont feel like im part of a romance worth having unless theirs a big problem i’ve got to overcome with the one I love so that I can tell the story to the kids one day! There’s nothing to tell the kids about how Blue and I got together and have been a perfect dating pair since day one, and never even had the slightest disagreement, not even over what movie we were going to see. But I will always be able to tell the story about how D’s ex girlfriend lived down the hall from me at school and how our relationship became the campus soap opera after D left me to go figure out where her heart was and went right back down the hall, only to come back down my way again after a couple of weeks.

    Bottom line is that if there were not conflicts in romance novels we wouldn’t read them because then it would just be a book about a stupid couple boasting about how good they’ve got it. And who wants to read that? Women deal with the Mr. or Ms. Problematics of their lives not for their love of torture or for their desire to have a good fight every five minutes. They deal  with it because if they’re following the formula right, there will be a great ending through all the madness. Someone will be standing outside their window with a boombox playing their favorite love song, there will be a kiss in the rain, they will have actually changed the one every one said would never change, someone will stop them before they get on their flight and propose to them in a busy airport….it will end perfectly. And right at that perfect moment, all the problematic CRAP would have been more than worth it.

    But what if we’re not in romance novels? What if we’re just in nightmares we’ll never wake up from because we’ll never realize we’re alseep?

     THAT’S my question….

The Alternate

    There’s a guy I met about a year ago i’ll call V. V and I met on one of those corny dating sites back when I actually had the desire to put my effort into that kind of thing. We dated for a while (not exclusively) and I was really feeling him at one point in time. That was until my most current ex, i’ll call her D, stepped onto the scene. Needless to say, V and I sowly stopped dating as D and I became more serious. Eventually, V was pushed into the friend zone since he had never made any effort to be put elsewhere and I had found someone who I felt was worth the risk of starting another relationship after having a long relationship-free period.

     V could have been bitter and removed himself from my life completely, especially since I had not only dropped him like a hot potato, i had done the biggest ego-brusing no-no a girl could do to any man: I had dropped him for another woman. But he was a good sport about it. And we reamined friends throughout my relationship with D. In fact, we became best friends.

    D never liked him because she knew our history and had gone through my phone and read a few texts between V and I about how much we missed one another (as friends, of course, but that wasn’t easy to explain).  She figured he was spending every waking moment of his time trying to get me back, and even though he often made a little sideways comments about how we “could have been a great thing”, I assured her it was nothing like that. And conciously it wasn’t. Conciously, i respected every aspect of me and D’s relationship and would not stand for anyone trying to get between that. But now that the relationship is over and I find myself leaning on V a little bit more than I should, im starting to wonder if I had subconciously made him my alternate.

    Almost every girl has an alternate, and that’s fine. In life, there should always be a plan B. But the element that makes having an alternate okay in the relationship is the distance you keep between you and your alternate while you’re with the main star (i.e. your boyfriend or girlfriend). Alternates are the kind of people you keep just close enough to monitor the moves their making in life (an email every month or so will do) but you dont talk to an alternate every day. I talked to V almost every day, sometimes for hours.

    Last night I was lying in bed trying to doze off when my Iphone buzzed in the bed next to me. It was V. He was drunk, which isn’t at all rare since he likes to drink with his guy friends  on weekends. I was prepared to disreagrd any curse words and listen to any slurred conversations he tried to have with me for the next 20 minutes until he either forgot he was on the phone or found something better to do with his drunk self than talk to me!

    My mother always told me that through a drunk mind speaks a sober heart. So when V began to ask me if we could  have sex, I became highly uncomfortable.  It became apparent to me that somewhere along the lines I had made it seemingly okay for him to ask me such a thing. Somehow I had given off the impression that there was more between him and I than phone convos and laughs. Which meant that D had had every right to worry even though I told her not to and I had kept my Alternate disrespectfully close to me. I quickly told him I had to go and I would call him the next day. we hung up. I did not call him the next day.

     This situation made me wonder: was I so afraid of D and I failing that I never fully gave us a chance by holding on to V more than I should have? Was I so convinced that my main star would get sick the night of the play that I had only taught all the lines to the alternate so there was absolutely no other choice but to let the alternate perform on opening night?

    Had I sabotaged D and I?

Single again…

I’m no stranger to the single life. We’ve met a couple of times, actually. The single life is an acquaintance I always try not to run into on the street….but somehow it ALWAYS finds me and forces me to act like I like it when I secretly hate it.
So here I am, face to imaginary face with the single life. Just this morning my girlfriend of almost 7 months broke up with me via text after three weeks of uncomfortable pre-brake up behavior. I saw it coming, I spotted the signs, and after a few days of drowning in my sorrows, I’m sure I’ll be at peace with it.
What bothers me is how at peace I am with losing a woman I almost wanted to marry! Shouldn’t I be crying instead of lying in my bed watching a Bridezillas marathon? If I’m not upset, was she just a waste of my time?
Well….it looks like I’m back to being me instead of half of a we! You know….it kind of feels good! I have a feeling this is only the beginning of my world….welcome to Love and Lipstick!